“Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It’s not a good sign when the friend who’s trying to explain that you’re not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That’s not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.” – Conan O’Brien
“Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you’re an FBI informant.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country’s founder. He famously said, ‘Let’s have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It’s a deadly poison made from beans. They said it’s the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it’s from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he’s bipartisan.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama offered to wash senators’ cars if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, ‘If you’re going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it’s 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.” – Conan O’Brien
