“Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it – Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high – because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon.” – Bill Maher
“Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. ” – Jimmy Fallon
“I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it’s always a spectacular disaster. He’s the only Asian in the world that doesn’t test well.” – Bill Maher
“John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea’s missiles, but he won’t because that’s a slippery slope from there to gun control.” – Bill Maher
“It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, ‘Stop helping’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, ‘What is the least we can do?'” – Bill Maher
“Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution… unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea.” – Bill Maher
“Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It’s like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac.” – Bill Maher
“Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: ‘If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.’ What a great way for Republicans to win back women: ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?” – Bill Maher
“Paul Ryan said today, ‘We don’t want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn’t even considered.’ Really, Paul? That’s not what your mom told me.” – Bill Maher
“These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah’s Ark as evidence that global warming doesn’t exist. He said, ‘If you’re a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn’t because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.’ Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome.” – Bill Maher
“A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom.” – Bill Maher
“According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno
“Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram.” – Bill Maher
“Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king.” – Bill Maher
“Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.” – Jimmy Fallon
