“Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don’t send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship.” – Jay Leno
“Right now there are two Kims in the news. There’s Kim Jong-Un, who’s the leader of North Korea, and then there’s Kim Kardaishian, the reality star who’s having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to keep track of who’s who. Kim Kardashian’s life is like a roller coaster; Kim Jong-Un isn’t tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian’s favorite movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un’s nuclear program is called Failure to Launch.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, ‘You can map mine for a lot less’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant.” – Stephen Colbert
“Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan’s program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, ‘It’s amazing that this information didn’t leak out earlier.'” – David Letterman
“Jay, for leaving ‘The Tonight Show’ for the second time, gets $15 million. It’s the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday NBC announced Jay’s retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don’t have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that’s what Fallon ought to be worried about.” – David Letterman
“They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to ‘The Tonight Show’. They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host ‘The Tonight Show’. I have not hosted ‘The Tonight Show’ longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?” – David Letterman
