“The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was ‘Be healthy, be active, be you.’ They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. ‘I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.” – Stephen Colbert
“Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!” – Stephen Colbert
“President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, ‘Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude.” – Stephen Colbert
“Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.” – Jay Leno
“I’ve never been a fan of Earth Day and it’s hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks.” – Stephen Colbert
“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.” – Jay Leno
“According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.” – Jay Leno
