“The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson
“Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church’s image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he’s out to crush the Rebel Alliance.” – Stephen Colbert
“New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.” – David Letterman
“John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman
“During his trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel’s relationship with pork.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God’s punishment for man’s moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.” – Stephen Colbert
“The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.” – David Letterman
