“The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.” – David Letterman
“The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.” – David Letterman
“Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.” – Jay Leno
“She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.” – Jay Leno
“The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: ‘You can do that?'” – Jay Leno
“Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.” – Jay Leno
“Last night on ‘The Tonight Show,’ during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives ‘snakes.’ The response came quickly. ‘Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,’ responded the snakes.” – Craig Ferguson
