“We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.” – David Letterman
“You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.” – Jay Leno
“Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.” – David Letterman
“Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class.” – Bill Maher
“They had a panel discussion at CPAC called ‘Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You’re Not One?’ Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck.” – Bill Maher
“U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone’s computer. It’s called ‘Microsoft Windows’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey officials say that one of their state’s landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they’re going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.” – Jay Leno
“Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.” – Jay Leno
“Are you folks excited about St. Patrick’s Day? It’s the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.” – David Letterman
“Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.” – Jay Leno
“Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That’s why she was known as the ‘Egyptian Taylor Swift’.” – Craig Ferguson
“After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar’s cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.” – Craig Ferguson
