“As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs.” – Jay Leno
“The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea.” – Jay Leno
“It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis.” – David Letterman
“Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There’s still hope for Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, ‘I could have been Pope’.” – Jay Leno
“The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble.” – David Letterman
“Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: ‘Breaking Bad’ spoiler alert!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he’s kind of the bouncer for Heaven.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody’s after the Latin vote.” –David Letterman
“It’s been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn’t that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.’ – Conan O’Brien
“With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you’re spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.” – Jimmy Fallon
