Political Irony

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.” – Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” – David Letterman

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers.” – Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put it in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa.” – David Letterman

“In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” – Craig Ferguson

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope has more than one designation. He’s also the bishop of Rome. He’s also known as the pontiff. And here’s what I didn’t know. He’s also known as Diddy.” – David Letterman

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” – Craig Ferguson

“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It’s not like Obama’s got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.” – Craig Ferguson

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek’.” – Craig Ferguson