“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” – Jay Leno
“North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” – David Letterman
“Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that.” – Jay Leno
“Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.” – Conan O’Brien
“When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.” – David Letterman
“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” – Jay Leno
“The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?’” – Conan O’Brien
“The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.” – Conan O’Brien
