“President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said ‘Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend’.” – Conan O’Brien
“All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don’t worry, there’s another way get into the White House if you don’t belong. Fake your birth certificate.” – Craig Ferguson
“Tonight there’s a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama’s drones?” – Craig Ferguson
“North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?” – Conan O’Brien [I’ve been wondering this one myself! –iron]
“New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn’t that the plot of ‘Footloose’?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people’s hands?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA’s meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA’s hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends’ feet on vacation.” – Jimmy Kimmel
