“In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he’ll always think of it as the one house he couldn’t buy.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell to be his budget director. The President says he’s excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she’s excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour.” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama’s sci-fi flub should be the GOP’s gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” – Stephen Colbert (on Obama’s “Jedi mind-meld” gaffe)
“Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It’s getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.” – Craig Ferguson
“Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.” – Conan O’Brien
“The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It’s like a ‘Star Trek’ convention but less celibate.” – Conan O’Brien
