“The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they’re mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you’re only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one.” – Bill Maher
“They didn’t invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, ‘What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like “Obama bad. No like.” And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing ‘Rick Perry’.” – Bill Maher
“Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we’re in this situation in the first place?” – Jay Leno
“This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door.” – Bill Maher (on the sequester)
“The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off.” – Jay Leno
“Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff, revealing an incredible case of hat hair.” – Seth Meyers
“New Rule: Now that it’s been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I’m supposed to know who’s tapping at me from the next stall?” – Bill Maher
“After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond?” – Seth Meyers
“At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He’s not doing anything.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo.” – Bill Maher
“Disney has developed a new video game called “Disney City Girl,” which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made.” – Seth Meyers
