Political Irony

“Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It’s the Radio Shack of the War on Terror.” – Stephen Colbert

“The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it’s into remote controlled planes.” – Stephen Colbert

“Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama said this week that after four years as president, ‘you realize all the mistakes you’ve made’. So apparently he DOES watch Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he’s already off to a bad start. He’s going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they’re coming on a Carnival cruise.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton.” – Stephen Colbert

“Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you’re really screwed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.” – Jay Leno

“Italy just had its elections. There’s no winner. There’s no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections.” – Craig Ferguson

“All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians.” – Craig Ferguson

“Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.” – Craig Ferguson

“A lot of Americans can’t believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from ‘Saturday Night Live’? Yeah.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that ‘the lord seemed to be asleep’. When asked for comment the Lord said, ‘You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama’s gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, ‘Are you sure you weren’t tailed?'” – David Letterman