“As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job.” – Jay Leno
“The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah.” – Conan O’Brien
“Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they’re busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.” – David Letterman
“President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need ‘Biggie’ fries to have regular-sized fries.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do.” – Conan O’Brien
“Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?” – Jay Leno
“While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, ‘Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The most impressive thing about President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.” – Jay Leno
“Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn’t matter if they’re black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, ‘Beats the finger I usually get!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” – Jay Leno
“Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One’s a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last night’s Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It’s a German dog. The affenpinscher’s name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe’s being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump’s toupee.” – Craig Ferguson
