“The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone’s not handling the breakup well.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.” – Jay Leno
“With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.” – Jay Leno
“Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being Pope’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.” – Craig Ferguson
“I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don’t know what the president is going to say, but they know they won’t like it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he’s known in the Republican Party, ‘our black guy’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans’ rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to ‘Inception’, isn’t it? ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they played ‘Hey, Big Spender’.” – Jay Leno
“Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln’s birthday instead of Washington’s birthday? Well, it’s because Washington was famous for saying, ‘I cannot tell a lie’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, ‘Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!’ If we’re really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?” – Jay Leno
“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it’s a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a ‘You don’t have a clue’ problem.” – Jimmy Fallon
