“It was reported that President Obama’s 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea.” – Seth Meyers
“Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama’s new gun control proposals ‘illegal’, though I’m not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it’s just thirty hissing possums in a barn.” – Seth Meyers
“Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don’t forget to set your clock back 100 years.” – Seth Meyers
“Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. She’s probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I’ve heard of her.” – Seth Meyers
“During an interview with Oprah Winfrey on Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn’t even need a bike.” – Seth Meyers
