“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. ‘is not a deadbeat nation’. Then the president added, ‘By the way, if China calls, I’m not here’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the US. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy.” – Jay Leno
“Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It’s already being called the best ‘that’s what she said’ joke ever.” – Conan O’Brien
“Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.” – Conan O’Brien
