“Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.” – Jay Leno
“The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster’s emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, ‘I’m going to need a raise.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry. They’ll still be free at the airport.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, ‘All right, fine, I am a Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien
“An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar coin and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is how ‘The Lord of the Rings’ starts, isn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn’t it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we’re even?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?” – Jay Leno
