“Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I’m telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney.” – David Letterman
“President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can’t get the job done anymore?” – Jay Leno
“The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby.” – David Letterman
“Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we’ll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a huge achievement for Governor Jerry Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you’re not walking around saying ‘I’ll be back’ all the time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, ‘Cool, at least they think we do something’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This year nobody was elected to baseball’s hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.” – David Letterman
“U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That’s one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables.” – Jay Leno
“Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?” – Jay Leno
