“The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be ‘Faith in America’s Future.’ Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, ‘1600 Penn,’ which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘Why’s everyone looking at me?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Make no mistake — they’re coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.” – Stephen Colbert
“Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.” – Stephen Colbert (on putting armed guards in schools)
“The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you’re eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business.” – Conan O’Brien
“Chris Christie said to his fork, ‘Shut up or I’m going to switch to my friend — spoon.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called ‘Cinco de Career-o.'” – Jay Leno
“The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen?” – Jay Leno
