“No one’s talking about taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what’s happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can’t even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of Imaginary Hitler.” – Jon Stewart
“What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.” – David Letterman
“We’re $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the Treasury Department says that what we’ll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I’ve seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin.” – David Letterman
“You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian.” – David Letterman
“According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.” – Conan O’Brien
“A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he’s ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard.” – Conan O’Brien
“To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship.” – Jimmy Fallon
