“What do you put on a trillion dollar coin? On the tail side obviously a bald eagle breathing fire while making love to the American flag. What is on the heads? Obama? Boehner? I’ll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears – because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you’re going to need something soft.” – Stephen Colbert
“Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’?” – Jay Leno
“Tickets to President Obama’s inauguration have sold out. At least that’s what the president is telling Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien
“Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy?” – David Letterman
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection.” – Conan O’Brien
“If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f*cked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you’re responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix.” – Jon Stewart (to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid)
