“This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away – while there are still some rich Americans left.” – Jay Leno
“While working on a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, members of Congress spent New Year’s Eve at the Capitol. Yeah, even the guy watching the Twilight Zone marathon with his parents was like, ‘Talk about a lame New Year’s’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they’re looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.” – Jay Leno
“Americans from all sides of the political spectrum seem to be upset about this fiscal cliff deal. Imagine how the Chinese must feel. It’s their money.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you’re not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they’re on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat’s dream come true.” – Jay Leno
“The National Journal says Joe Biden maybe the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn’t that like being the tallest hobbit?” – Jay Leno
“The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama’s dog, Bo.” – Jay Leno
“Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, ‘Well, that’s enough work for the year.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing – a Republican winning anything these days.” – Jay Leno
“Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, ‘Hey, we don’t do anything for anybody.'” – Jay Leno
“Has anyone seen Al Gore’s Current TV? I don’t mean by mistake. I mean, who’s actually watched it? Well, Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore’s old TV network, Current TV. So it’s now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called ‘global fleecing’.” – David Letterman
“Al Gore’s Current TV has been sold to Al-Jazeera for a reported $500 million. Experts believe that Al-Jazeera overpaid for Current TV by approximately $500 million.” – Jay Leno
“Al Gore, Al-Jazeera; Al-Jazeera, Al Gore.” – David Letterman
“Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They’ve got a new show called ‘Storage Jihad’. They have ‘Project Burka’. And a show called ‘Real Virgins of Fallujah’.” – David Letterman
