“It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of ‘The Hobbit’!” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.” – Jay Leno
“It’s been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She’s either in prison or she’s in rehab. She’s been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.” – David Letterman
“Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son’s having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son’s bar mitzvah. She’s also available for end-of-the-world parties.” – David Letterman
“And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.” – David Letterman
“Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.” – David Letterman
“NBC’s foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.” – Jay Leno
“Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty.’ It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film ‘Lincoln’.” – Jay Leno
“I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It’s like we’re all in on a huge joke we’re playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey’s birthday.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with ‘9,000 pounds of cheese.”” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of ‘The Expendables 3,’ along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie’s next title: ‘The Can’t-Understandables.'” – Jimmy Fallon
