“In what’s being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It’s called ‘Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff’.” – Jay Leno
“It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton passed out, hit her head, and suffered a minor concussion. Well, we found out today why she passed out. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row.” – Jay Leno
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday’s game against the Ravens.” – David Letterman
“For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.” – David Letterman
“This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?” – David Letterman
“If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.” – David Letterman
“Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno
