“Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.” – Jay Leno
“Barbara Walters’ ‘Ten Most Fascinating People’ show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.” – David Letterman
“The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.” – David Letterman
“The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, ‘The point’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!” – Jay Leno
“Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They’re not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They’re Laker fans.” – Conan O’Brien
“HBO is planning a new movie similar to ‘Game Change,’ but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, ‘Hey, I’m not doing anything.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they’re having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.” – Conan O’Brien
