“Did you see the Manny Pacquiao fight? He got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Was that really that big of a deal? Passing out face first in Vegas — who hasn’t done that, really?” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won’t remember in three years.” – Conan O’Brien
“Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, ‘Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.’ If that is not the world’s worst pep talk, I don’t know what is.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, ‘You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Al Qaeda’s number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda’s number three man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” – Jay Leno
“Today the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, ‘Norway?’ He said, ‘Yes, way’.” – Craig Ferguson
“The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean ‘Germany’.” – Craig Ferguson
“I think the EU should expand and bring peace to the world’s more troubled region. Perhaps the set of ‘Two and a Half Men’.” – Craig Ferguson
“Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize.” –Craig Ferguson
“Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he’s taking steps to run for president once again. He says he’s seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it.” – Jay Leno
“It’s starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won’t get off us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don’t you?” – David Letterman
“It’s time to start practicing your pretending-to-like-a-gift face.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A survey found that 66 million Americans haven’t started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili’s gift cards.” – Jimmy Fallon
“McDonald’s reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed.” – Jimmy Fallon
