“Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, ‘I’d invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney got a job. He’s working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing.” – David Letterman
“The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, ‘Sorry, I’m a little touchy because it’s almost Christmas and it’s 135 degrees outside.” – Conan O’Brien
“Because of climate change, “Frosty the Snowman” has a new name. Now he’s called ‘Frosty the Puddle.'” – David Letterman
“House Speaker John Boehner says that his efforts to work with President Obama on the fiscal cliff have resulted in a lot of talk but ‘no action’. Yeah, a lot of talk but no action – or as I called that in college, ‘a date’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the ‘Triangle.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to The Associated Press, China will soon overtake the United States as the world’s number one global trader. Which is actually good news for most Americans. Didn’t you think China overtook us already?” – Jay Leno
“According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new ‘Terminator’ movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom.” – Craig Ferguson
“The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, ‘Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.'” – Conan O’Brien
