“NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama pardoned the White House turkey, and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy, so it worked nice.” – Jay Leno
“We’re headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he’s running out of Republicans he can blame this on.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can’t keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn’t even know his phone was on.” – Bill Maher
“Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsy grifter named Jill Kelly, who’s part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee’s and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there’s one thing a mistress hates, it’s a guy who cheats.” – Bill Maher
“This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military.” – Bill Maher
“The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that’s the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that’s when you know you’re rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day.” – Jay Leno
“Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, ‘Am I invisible yet?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before.” – Jay Leno
“Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas’ missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play.” – Jay Leno
