“It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, ‘Why not?’ Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now.” – Jay Leno
“According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.” – David Letterman
“No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They’re all too worried about chlamydia.” – Jay Leno
“This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. In a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver’s license of Patraeus’s mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver’s license because under sex it said, ‘Lots with David Patraeus’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It’s now the Compromising Situation Room. They’ve changed it.” – Jay Leno
“See, when a general tells his wife, ‘I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan,” technically he’s not lying.” – Jay Leno
“It’s now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He’s an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there’s something there for Republicans and Democrats.” – Jay Leno
“A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don’t think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn’t saved the auto industry, she wouldn’t have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car.” – Jay Leno
“It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, ‘Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!’ And now he’s like, ‘Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” – Conan O’Brien
“Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there’s also a downside.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It’s the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.” – David Letterman
“Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman
