“‘Skyfall,’ the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie – it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA.” – Jay Leno
“David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don’t cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don’t like you.” – Conan O’Brien
“The new ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’ video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he’s behaving like your common congressman.” – Jay Leno
“This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.” – Jimmy Fallon
“How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? … You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He’s the guy who started this whole thing.” – David Letterman
“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it ‘a priceless stone’ while David Petraeus’ wife called it ‘a start.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She’s so mad that Romney didn’t win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove’s wife.” – David Letterman
“Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.” – Conan O’Brien
“You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney’s Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn’t work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn’t want a vice president with two first names.” – David Letterman
“Folks, I’m no fan of ‘Sesame Street.’ They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting.” – Stephen Colbert
“The movie ‘Lincoln’ opened over the weekend. It’s getting unbelievable reviews. It’s so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.” – Jay Leno
“I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.” – Jay Leno
