“Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.” – Jay Leno
“The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state’s voting procedures. It’ll be the biggest thing Scott’s done since he won that raffle to become governor.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA.” – Craig Ferguson
“This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, ‘Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where’s the justice?” – Craig Ferguson
“The James Bond movie ‘Skyfall’ came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It’s about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it ‘well-made’, while David Petraeus is calling it ‘relatable’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who – well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.” – Craig Ferguson
“No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he’s in for one awkward Thanksgiving.” – Craig Ferguson
“James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it’s really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn’t it?” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He’ll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Even Mike Tyson was like, ‘That’s a ridiculous tattoo’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.” – David Letterman
“Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a ‘fiscal cliff.’ The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was ‘Forward.'” – Jay Leno
“We’re in great shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff.” –Jay Leno
“But the good news: President Obama says we will run out of gas long before we get to the cliff. So don’t worry about it.” – Jay Leno
“Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here’s the only good thing. We don’t have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.” – David Letterman
