“I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again.” – Bill Maher
“I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.” – David Letterman
“No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney’s health care plan.” – Bill Maher
“There’s also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That’s in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen.” – Bill Maher
“According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, “You mean I could have just bought it?'” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney’s family has been trying to console him since Tuesday’s loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it’s like to put together a cabinet.” – Jay Leno
“Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent.” – Bill Maher (referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC)
“The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama’s dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like shit, it’s time to take a shower.” – Bill Maher
“All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men’s seats.” – Bill Maher
“Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me.” – Bill Maher
“That just doesn’t happen in campaigns. You’d think his slogan was ‘have you lost weight?'” – Bill Maher
“Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This was such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again.” – Bill Maher
“This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, ‘Hollywood’.” – Bill Maher
“Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule. – Bill Maher
“Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The election has been over for three days, but already there’s a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You’d think they could have at least waited until we peeled the ‘I voted’ stickers off our jackets.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren’t running. Good study.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, ‘What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can’t keep an affair secret, you’re screwed. You don’t have a chance.” – Jay Leno
“The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today.” – Jay Leno
