“The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.” – David Letterman
“Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they’d give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.” – Conan O’Brien
“It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.” – David Letterman
“President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.” – Jay Leno
“New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday’s marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.” – David Letterman
“The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They’re so filthy I’d rather write a letter.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Italy’s former prime minster Sylvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination.” – Jay Leno
“Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He said: ‘the economy’.” – Jay Leno
“A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Two women from the Dominican Republic claim that New Jersey Senator Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. If true, he could be charged with impersonating a Secret Service agent. In his defense, Senator Menendez denies the charges, but I think he’s in trouble. Who’s going to take the word of a politician over a whore?” – Jay Leno
“The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver.” – Conan O’Brien
“Disney has bought the rights to the “Star Wars” movies for $4 billion. “Star Wars” fans are passionate. Most don’t like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots.” – Craig Ferguson
“The new films will be made by Disney. I’ve worked with Disney. They’re a great company to work for. If I don’t say that, they’ll hurt me.” – Craig Ferguson
“George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, “Great, George. We’ll just put them on the fridge.” – Craig Ferguson
