“The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos.” – David Letterman
“Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.” – Stephen Colbert
“Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee’s employee of the week.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter.” – Stephen Colbert
“Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show.” – David Letterman
“The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they’re able to restore the scent of urine. That’s why I’m calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves.” – Stephen Colbert
“Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.” – Jay Leno
“I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t knock on the door. I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ He said, ‘I’m an undecided voter.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as ‘Slutty Joe Biden’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Due to the tough economy, two of the world’s biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they’re only going to publish one book this year – ’50 Shades of Harry Potter’.” – Conan O’Brien
