“The debates are over. All that’s left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.” – David Letterman
“According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.” – Jay Leno
“Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person.” – Craig Ferguson
“Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She’ll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it’s hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling ‘You gonna eat that’ over and over again in my ear.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day AFTER Election Day the holiday?” – Jay Leno
“While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he’s a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Home sales are up. That’s certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House.” – Jay Leno
“Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here’s what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.” – David Letterman
“Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you’re $16 trillion in debt, they don’t let you in.” – Jay Leno
