“We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week.” – Jay Leno
[Leno and Obama]
Leno to Obama: “What’s this thing with Trump and you? It’s like me and Letterman. I don’t get it.”
Obama: “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya.”
“Donald Trump said he’d give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass.” – Conan O’Brien
“Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling ‘The Apprentice’.” – Jay Leno
“The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She’ll be here to promote her new reality show, ‘America’s Next Top Lady’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don’t care who they’re with, as long as they get that burger. ” – Jimmy Fallon
“Even though he’s spending all day on Air Force One, there’s an office on the plane where the president can work. It’s just like being in Washington. He’s got the desk, he’s got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do.” – Jay Leno
“Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states.” – Jay Leno
“Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They’re very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote.” – David Letterman
“A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: ‘The Mittuation.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We’re still not sure whether he’s for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty.” – David Letterman
