Political Irony

“A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That’s right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number.” – Seth Meyers

“Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food.” – Bill Maher

“Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada.” – Seth Meyers

“Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall.” – Bill Maher

“Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn’t know birth control was pro-Obama.” – Seth Meyers

“Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, ‘Thank God’.” – Conan O’Brien

“You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.” – Conan O’Brien

“This week’s debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters.” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday Mitt Romney’s son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg.” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, ‘Hang on, you’ll get your chance.’ You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer’s lair and what do they find? Binders of women… and then they open the freezer and a head falls out.” – Bill Maher

“He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, ‘I’m wearing cotton right now.'” – Bill Maher

“The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, ‘Check the transcript, asshole.’ And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, ‘Yes, I was there, it’s true, he did call it that.’ Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, ‘We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!’ And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder.” – Bill Maher

“The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website’s list of cults. This is typical of Christian right’s stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they’d like a tax cut.” – Bill Maher

“Today Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that’s just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there’s dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you.” – Bill Maher

“Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance.” – Bill Maher (on voter fraud laws)