Political Irony

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.” – Bill Maher

“You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullshit. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.” – Bill Maher

“I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, ‘That motherfucker is good’.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she’s making love to someone else.” – Bill Maher

“It’s Mormon in America again. I haven’t seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.” – David Letterman

“Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.” – Bill Maher

“Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski.” – Bill Maher

“Obama’s wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It’s like he took my million and spent it all on weed.” – Bill Maher

“I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert.” – Bill Maher

“At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him.” – Bill Maher

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, ‘Well, what about just for fun?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter said today that Wednesday night’s debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?” – Jay Leno