“Tonight is the first presidential debate of 2012. Tonight was also one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, ‘Honey, turn on C-SPAN’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation’s all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.” – Jay Leno
“It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s goal for tonight’s debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans.” – Jay Leno
“Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama’s like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now.” – Jay Leno
“Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight also happens to be Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. ‘Honey, I’d love to go to the ballet with you, but I’m debating Mitt Romney that night’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven’t seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud.” – Jay Leno
“While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, ‘Burrito?’ And Romney was like, ‘Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It’s great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix.” – Jimmy Kimmel
