“For tomorrow’s debate, President Obama’s advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are ‘bin Laden’ and ‘dead.’ That’s it.” – Conan O’Brien
“I understand they are going to have ‘fact checkers’ standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.” – Jay Leno
“Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?’ – Jay Leno
“The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The debates begin tomorrow night and we’ll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV’s ‘Dynasty’.” – David Letterman
“Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.” – Jay Leno
“I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on ‘Jersey Shore’, not both.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, ‘If there are any angels in heaven, they’re all nurses.’ Then Biden said, ‘Of course, maybe they wouldn’t be in heaven if they’d had better nurses.'” – Conan O’Brien
“At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, ‘The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.’ Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama won Family Circle’s bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn’t she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She’s contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.” – Craig Ferguson
“Ann Romney’s entry into the bake-off was something called ‘M&M Treats.’ Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I’m like, ‘Oh, no, that’s her husband.'” – Craig Ferguson
“There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I’m talking about you, Paul Ryan – with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times.” – Craig Ferguson
“In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper’s son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Jimmy Fallon
