“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that’s going to fix our economy?” – David Letterman
“I lost the Emmy. Speaking of losing – Mitt Romney.” – Stephen Colbert
“Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it’s his first time riding on a bus. He’s trying to show the world that he’s s regular guy, and he’s taking a bus tour. It’s just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt’s bus, the brownies are brownies.” – David Letterman
“Republican parties don’t last long once the black guy shows up.” – Stephen Colbert
“At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans that she will strip naked if President Obama is reelected. Is it just me, or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney?” – Jay Leno
“Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials — you know “the most interesting man in the world” — he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s ‘stay thirsty my friends.'” – Jay Leno
“Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, ‘Look at these crowds!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The U.N. has opened up. Leaders of countries from all over the world have come here. They have diplomatic immunity so they can do stuff and get away with it. It’s like Lindsay Lohan.” – David Letterman
“The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he’s come to the right place.” – David Letterman
“Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, ‘I bet this guy’s always in a bad mah-mood.'” – David Letterman
