“Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on “60 Minutes” last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.” – Jay Leno
“The president’s re-election campaign slogan is “Forward,” which is also his policy on paying for stuff.” – Jay Leno
“A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, “Obama, please save my home.” To which Obama said, “Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?” – Jay Leno
“A civil rights group said that up to ten million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws. Ten million. And that’s just here in LA.” – Jay Leno
“Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he’s just a regular guy like you and me.” – Jay Leno
“A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college.” – Jay Leno
“The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He’s been in America one day and he’s already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.” – Craig Ferguson
