Political Irony

“They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I’m sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, ‘My job is not to worry about those people.’ You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating cocksucker?” – Bill Maher

“This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect Mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there’s a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It’s like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones.” – Bill Maher

“Even Republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They’re very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly.” – Bill Maher

At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: ‘Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick.'” – Bill Maher

“A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family.” – Craig Ferguson

“I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.” – Jay Leno

“It’s gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt’s campaign – he resigned. Isn’t that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you’ll make him look like a loser?” – Bill Maher

“It’s been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. I think the technical term is ‘jumping ship’.” – Jay Leno

“New documents show that Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney’s advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he’s not going to vote for himself.” – Conan O’Brien

“Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not ‘presidential’. Vice presidential, sure. That’s Joe Biden territory.” – Jay Leno

Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It’s called, ‘Least we can do’ — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney’s campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can’t do it, and he’s got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that you can’t change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?” – Jay Leno

“Obama has gone from ‘Yes we can.’ to ‘I’m sorry. No one can.'” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Newsweek has a new cover story titled ‘Muslim Rage.’ Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek.” – Jay Leno