“A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney’s depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn’t just hire a chauffeur.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America’s number one foe is Russia. Then he said America’s number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is ‘The Goonies’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, ‘Wow, you too?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, members of Mitt Romney’s own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, ‘Maybe’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama’s re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m a little surprised. I’ve always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that’s more of a Mitt Romney thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida’s number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don’t know if that’s wise. It’s not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.” – Craig Ferguson
