“The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus.” – Bill Maher
“The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like ‘Antiques Roadshow’.” – Bill Maher
“When you look at the two conventions, the speeches at the Democratic convention were just better. Go back and watch Mitt Romney. After seeing Michele Obama speak, and Bill Clinton speak, and the president speak, it’s like watching an armless guy paint with his ass.” – Bill Maher
“Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape.” – Bill Maher
“Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, ‘No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'” – Bill Maher
“Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, ‘I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.’ And over at Fox News they said, ‘Get the fact checkers on that.'” – Bill Maher
“It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don’t even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, ‘Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?’ And she said, ‘Who’s Charlotte?'” – Bill Maher
“Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there’s one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply.” – Bill Maher
“Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF.” – Jay Leno
“It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama spoke last night. The speech must have been pretty good because today Clint Eastwood said he was voting for the chair.” – Bill Maher
“There was a big shakeup on ‘American Idol.’ There is still a vacant judge’s seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.” – Craig Ferguson
“When it came to ‘hope’ and ‘change’ President Obama told the crowd, ‘You were the change.’ And then the crowd said, ‘Hey don’t blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'” – Jay Leno
“Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, ‘Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'” – Jay Leno
