“Tonight is the last night, the final night of the Republican convention. Tonight is the swimsuit competition.” – Conan O’Brien
“Have you folks been enjoying the Republican convention? Ann Romney was great. She said it’s all about love. Then Chris Christie followed up by saying, ‘It’s not about love, it’s about respect.’ Will you people get on the same page? Which is it? Is it love or respect?” – David Letterman
“At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What’s more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?” – Craig Ferguson
“Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan.” – Jay Leno
“Paul Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It’s never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn’t make a shadow.” – Conan O’Brien
“A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald’s. To show you how good this guy’s disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.” – Jay Leno
“This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald’s employees. He said, ‘Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'” – Jay Leno
“A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called ‘Who Cares, He’s Dead.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Are you excited about Labor Day weekend? That’s a holiday where Americans take three days off from looking for a job.” – David Letterman
