“Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.” – Jay Leno
“Are you keeping your eye on Hurricane Isaac and the Republican convention? Something good could come out of this hurricane. It may once and for all put an end to political conventions.” – David Letterman
“The theme of the Republican Convention is ‘A Better Future.’ Chris Christie will be the keynote speaker, and the theme of his speech will be similar. His theme will be ‘A Butter Future’.” – David Letterman
“Chris Christie will be delivering a 45-minute speech. Usually When Chris Christie talks for 45 minutes, it’s into the clown face at Jack In The Box’ – David Letterman
“According to a poll released last week, Mitt Romney has zero percent of the black vote. In fact, if it weren’t for John Boehner, Romney wouldn’t have any support from people of color at all.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney, does he look familiar to you? He looks like the guy who used to host ‘Tic-Tac-Dough’.” – David Letterman
“A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you’re boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can’t find a job.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish.” – Jay Leno
“According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity.” – David Letterman
“An all-female rock band from Russia, in a Moscow cathedral, played a protest song about Vladimir Putin’s ties to the church. Putin’s henchmen tracked them down and threw them in prison. They were charged with hooliganism. Is that a crime? That’s like being charged with tomfoolery. Or shenanigans.” – Craig Ferguson
“If you don’t agree with Putin, you get sent to a gulag. Maybe they should’ve sung it ironically, sung about the fact that Putin got elected with 140 percent of the vote.” – Craig Ferguson
“Some Russians are claiming that Putin’s election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s a new website that allows you to support Prince Harry by posting a naked photo of yourself. The website’s called ‘Extremely Gullible Girls Gone Wild’.” – Conan O’Brien
