“President Obama met with the White House Press corps for only the second time this year… It was only twenty minutes long. Makes you miss President Bush. He would spend twenty minutes answering the first question.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Then it got weird when she added, ‘Again’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, ‘I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.’ To which President Obama said, ‘Deal!'” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin.” – Jay Leno
“Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he’s in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today.” – David Letterman
“Akin apologized on Rachel Ray’s show and then they made veal mea culpa.” – David Letterman
“According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves.” – Jay Leno
“We found out early that Kelly Ripa, after five years of searching for a new co-host to replace Regis Philbin, has finally found the guy that’s going to take his job, the man who’s going to fill his shoes – New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan. They were going to announce it at the Republican convention but we found out.” – David Letterman
“Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney’s tax returns.” – David Letterman
“Nude photos popped up on the Internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I’d be disappointed if my prince wasn’t having naked parties in Vegas.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“What’s the point of being a prince if you can’t round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Maybe those poor girls lost their clothes in an accident and the prince graciously gave them his. It’s called chivalry. Look it up.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I just think it’s refreshing to see a famous redhead drunk and stripping that isn’t Lindsay Lohan for a change.” – Jimmy Kimmel
